Stage two
Reclaim
You do not have to work this out by yourself. There are people whose entire job is to walk it with you.
Read this first
The period around leaving is the most dangerous stretch of an abusive relationship. That is not a reason to stay. It is a reason to plan it with someone experienced rather than alone. A trained advocate will do this with you, free, and you do not need shelter to work with one.
You can ask for an advocate
Most people have never heard of the role, and assume the only thing on offer is a shelter bed. An advocate is a trained person whose job is to sit with you and work through what leaving actually requires. They can help you build a safety plan, understand your legal options, prepare for court, sort out housing and benefits, and think through your children, your pets and your job. It costs nothing, it's confidential, and you can use it whether you leave next week or never.
Ask for one by calling the national hotline, or by contacting a local organization on the resources page.
What to think through before you go
Leaving is rarely one decision. It is a series of smaller ones, and each has an answer. An advocate can work through any of these with you, and most of the help below costs nothing.
Money
- An account in your name only, at a different bank
- Understanding what's joint and what's yours
- Checking your credit for debt opened in your name
- Emergency funds many local programs can provide
Documents
- ID, birth certificates, Social Security cards, passports
- Immigration papers, lease or deed, insurance, medical records
- Photograph everything and store it somewhere they can't reach
- Keep originals with someone you trust
Children
- Custody and how leaving affects it in your state
- What to tell the school, and who is allowed pickup
- Counseling for children who have witnessed it
- Advocates who work specifically with parents
Pets
- Pets are often used as leverage to keep people in place
- Many shelters now house pets, or partner with fostering programs
- Ask. Do not assume you have to leave an animal behind
Housing and anonymity
- Transitional housing beyond emergency shelter
- Address confidentiality programs in many states
- Keeping a new address off public records
- Mail forwarding that doesn't expose where you are
The law
- Orders of protection, how to file and what they do
- What pressing charges involves, and what it doesn't require
- Free legal help through most local programs
- An advocate can go to court with you
If your phone or laptop might be watched
Monitoring is common and often invisible. Use a device the other person cannot reach. Public library computers are free, no one asks why you're there, and library staff are used to helping people find resources quietly. A friend's phone works too. Clear your history when you're done, and be aware that clearing it can itself be noticed.
Work is often the safest place
For many people, work is the one part of the day the other person cannot reach. It is frequently where the first search happens, the first call is made, the first appointment is kept. That makes employers far more important in this than most of them realize.
You likely have more protection than you think. Many states prohibit an employer from firing, refusing to hire, or otherwise discriminating against someone because they have experienced domestic violence, and a number of states require employers to make reasonable safety accommodations at work. A growing number now include safe leave in their sick leave laws, which covers time away for court, counseling, medical care or relocation. WomensLaw.org sets out what applies in your state.
If your workplace has no policy on any of this, that is common rather than personal. Roughly two thirds of companies have none, and only about one in five offers any training. The absence of a policy is not a signal that asking would be unwelcome.
Sources: Society for Human Resource Management; state employment statutes. Protections vary by state, so confirm what applies where you work.
What an employer can put in place
None of this requires anyone to disclose anything, and that is the point. A good policy makes help available without making anyone ask for it by name.
Access, quietly
- Say plainly that using a work phone, computer or private room for personal safety matters is permitted
- Make a bookable private room available with no reason required
- Keep resource information in restrooms and break rooms, where it can be read alone
Time, without an explanation
- Allow hours away during the workday for court, counseling, housing or banking
- Understand that many states now include safe leave in sick leave law
- Never require documentation of abuse as the price of flexibility
Safety at the building
- Take a photograph and a name to reception if someone is being followed
- Change a desk location, a shift, a parking spot or a direct phone line on request
- Escort to the car, or adjust arrival and departure times
Culture
- Publish the policy, so people know it exists before they need it
- Train managers on what to say and what never to promise
- State that no one will be penalized for seeking help
- Confidentiality that is real, and known to be real
Recognize to Rise works with employers who want to build this into their policy and culture, and brings in the advocacy organizations who do this work professionally. Start a conversation.
When the people around you push you to stay
It happens constantly, and it's rarely malice. People argue for the children, for the marriage, or simply because they cannot believe it of someone they know. Their disbelief is not evidence about your life.
You do not need anyone's permission, and you do not need consensus. You do not need one person to believe you before your own knowing counts. Nobody has lived inside that relationship the way you have, and nobody else has the information you have.
If you have sat with it privately and reached a conclusion, that conclusion stands. You are allowed to tell no one. You are allowed to stop asking people who keep giving you the same answer. Advocating for yourself is not a lesser version of having support. It is the thing everything else is built around.